In a study titled “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You: Attentional Adhesion to Mates and Rivals” conducted at FSU, researchers found heterosexual people of both sexes spend most of their attention and eye contact on people they considered a potential mate or competition…

Furthermore, members of both sexes who were in relationships, were found to spend greater time sizing up the potential threat to their relationship. A researcher from this study said “Men tend to worry more about other men being more dominant, funny or charismatic than they are. But when it comes to concerns about infidelity, men are very attentive to highly attractive guys because presumably their wives or girlfriends may be too.”

No Brainer Study

These findings may seem a bit obvious or ‘no-duh’, but its painful how uncommon, common sense really is. I have had many conversations with people about how they are unsure of themselves or don’t know how to react to eye contact from the opposite sex.

Generally, if you have caught someone of the opposite sex looking at you, especially more than once, then they probably consider you a potential mate and have given you the green light to open conversation with them.

If you are out and looking to meet potential love interests there is a rule you should follow. It is called the 3-second rule. It states that within 3-seconds of seeing or making eye contact with someone you deem attractive, you should immediately approach and open them up for conversation.

This rule is for people just beginning to push their comfort boundaries in social situations. The 3-second, no hesitation rule helps you beat analysis by paralysis. Most people will want to talk to a cutie, but will come up with a million little reasons why they shouldn’t or can’t. Take some advice from Nike and just do it!

Most people stress out over the opening sentence way too much. Just say Hi and pick something about the venue to talk about. You should be able to gauge their interest in further conversation with you almost immediately.

If they aren’t friendly or you can’t find a connection, do you really want to spend more time on this rude stranger?

Eye Contact Dominance

When I am out, I like to play a little game with eye contact. If I meet eyes with someone, I will hold their gaze until they look away. Whoever looks away first, loses. It is a competition to see if I can dominate their eyes. If the person looks back to play again, it is practically an invitation to chat.

This little game may sound pretty easy, but depending on who you are fixing your gaze on, it can be pretty nerve racking. If you are a man locking eyes with a beautiful women, and she doesn’t look away after two seconds, things can feel pretty awkward. Your ego will compel you to look away first, but you must not!

If done properly, your eye contact opponent will find you confident and possibly worth talking to. Not many people have the audacity to hold a gaze. You’d be surprised how timid people become when faced with someone they find mate-worthy.

There are a few caveats to this dominance game. You do not want to stare down anyone who may feel threatened by it. Many men will take this as a challenge to physical confrontation. Some people may find it creepy if you grill them without the proper expression on your face. You want to exude welcoming-confidence and fun. Not a challenging, stalker-like glare.

Windows to the Soul

It is amazing how much information is given away by the eyes. The adage that “the eyes are the windows to the soul” is around for a reason. We can detect peoples intentions, emotions, truthfulness and many other qualities just from the eyes.

A lot of communication is done non-verbally and subconsciously. Often times when you have a bad vibe about someone, it is because your subconscious is picking up on incongruent or hazardous non-verbal communication cues. This is why your gut is often right.

It is pretty easy for people to lie with their words. We can consciously chose what we say. Controlling our nonverbal behavior is a different story. If there is a mismatch between what someone is saying and how they are saying it, there is information being withheld.

Knowing this, we should actively notice not just what people are saying, but how they are saying it and what their body is communicating.

There is much research on how the physical body projects one’s inward thoughts and feelings.

Check back in the future because I will be researching and writing more on this interesting topic.

Building and maintaining a strong social network is a major key to success.

This C2G Challenge aims to rekindle old friendships and strengthen bonds that have been worn down by time and neglect…

Popular Kids

In high school most people wanted to be part of the popular in-crowd. We all wanted to be invited to the right parties, have access to the cool crowds, and know the latest gossip…

As we transition to our adult and professional lives, this craving for social acceptance does not dwindle much. This is for good reason.

There is a direct correlation between the amount of people you know and the amount of opportunities you have a shot at.

Large social networks provide opportunities to jobs, love interests, fun things to do and many more.

Unfortunately, social networks do not flourish with out work and a commitment to activities that grow them. This is the reason behind today’s challenge…

The Challenge

I’ve lost touch with many of my old friends from high school and college. My goal is to reconnect with these people who have made my life great.

My challenge is as follows:

• Everyday, I will  reach out and have two, 5-15 minute, conversations with old friends or contacts from my past. 5 attempts per day.*
• I will make an effort to wish all friends a happy birthday with a phone call or a facebook message.
• I will actively make attempts to connect opportunities with people in my social network.

*If my call goes unanswered, I will leave a pleasant voice mail and a request for a call back.

The goal of each call is to catch up, attempt to match opportunities, and brighten someone’s day.

Start date: September 21st, 2009
End date: October 21st, 2009

This challenge should be relatively easy. The only hindrance will be the potential discomfort of calling someone for no real reason other than to catch up.

I’ll be updating randomly about my progress and thoughts on this challenge. I encourage you to join me in this effort to reconnect with old friends

The examples and rhetoric he uses make it very hard for anyone to disconnect with. He tells stories that force you to agree with in fear of being labeled heartless and uncaring towards suffering people

Obama’s ability to market his ideas and message has rarely been seen before in a President. All marketeers should take lesson in how Obama orchestrated his path to the white house. It was pure marketing and persuasive genius.

These skillful tactics that Obama employs make it easy for people to rally emotion behind. Unfortunately, Obama’s messages seem to be more fantasy than truth. More idealistic than feasible. It seems that more and more people are beginning to discover that there may not be much substance behind his powerful rhetoric, as seen in his tanking public opinion poll numbers.

His promises and plans all seem great when he talks of them. Not once did he explain how his plans will actually work. He only stated his intended outcomes; not the necessary leg work, sacrifices, and risks involved.

Proper health care reform is critical for this country. Unfortunately reform can either take us in two directions. Either to a more efficient and effective method to support our citizens; or towards a more bloated, debt-ridden, corrupt system that burdens our future.

I personally do not know the answer or plan to solve this country’s health care crisis. However, I do recognize that people must learn to pull the wool off their eyes and examine the facts and concrete plans that lie underneath the rhetoric.

I found the GOP response by Rep. Boustany quite interesting and I encourage you to check it out. You can find the video here.

Here is another essay on the Obama’s address last night that examines the promises he made in more detail.

Don’t walk (click) away just yet… Indulge in this way of thinking for a second.

The only thing that ever truly matters is what is happening in the moment.

The past is a collection of passed moments and the future is a series of moments that you anticipate to happen. Neither have ultimate control over you.

Many people allow these nonexistent past moments and hypothetical future moments to dictate how they live their life. This is the basis for each of our Egos.

The truth is, you do not have to live this way. This principle is found in many spiritualities around the world. You can read about it in Eckart Tolle’s books.

The way you choose to interpret your past and anticipate your future directly impacts your reality.

Who Are You?

The words we use, the actions we take, the experiences we’ve had, the people and places we associate ourselves with define, in a traditional sense, who we are and how we see ourselves. They define our reality.

Fortunately, we can actively change our environment, actions and the people we hang around. Effectively changing our reality.

It has been found you can dramatically shift your emotions and ways of thinking by simply changing the words you use and how you frame experiences in your life. Check out this for an interesting experiment.

If you could choose to see yourself in any light, what would it be?

The Now Identity

Extending on the idea that what we do defines who we are, the idea of the Now Identity comes in to play.

Simply, you are what you are currently doing. This works both ways, positively and negatively. If you are smoking, you are a smoker. If you are running, you are a runner. If you are working hard, you are a hard worker.

The idea of you becomes shaped, over time, by how you chose to participate in the series of moments within your life. Life is fluid and dynamic. It changes.  Each moment in life is an opportunity for you to steer yourself in a certain direction.

Defining Reality and Communication

In human dialogue there is a complex, often unseen, series of events that go on as we communicate. As we receive information, our brains begin to tell stories about this information in order to interpret it. This happens on a conscious and subconscious level.

The problem is that the information we use to tell these stories and make interpretations is often limited or wrong. This forces us to make assumptions that can prove disastrous.

A pop culture example… On a recent but past episode of HBO’s Entourage, Eric see’s his past/current love interest, Sloan, lively talking to a well-dressed, handsome man. Immediately, Eric sees this man as competition and rudely interrupts the conversation. It turns out that the man was Sloan’s  cousin and Eric looks like a jackass.

In this example, Eric acted out of line because his ego told him the wrong story based on limited information. In that moment he had turned his reality in to a jealous one, and it was destructive.

We can choose the stories we want to tell ourselves. These stories directly influence how we perceive events. Perception is how we define our reality.

Practical Application

There are a couple of ways to apply this to your life.

First, applying it to yourself… Our emotional state  depends on the stories we tell our selves about the information we have received.

Information is often limited or flat out wrong. Knowing this we should attempt to limit our immediate conclusions until we are absolutely certain we want to adopt a specific interpretation.

Furthermore, we often have a choice in how something is viewed… Is my shirt old, or does it have character? Is my house small, or is it cozy? Is the bar empty, or is it relaxing and low key?

How do you think positive story telling would affect your self esteem and over all well being? The effect is surprising. Try it for a day.

Second, applying this way of interpretation when we interact with others… Since everyone else tells themselves stories to interpret events, and the information used can be distorted, we can adjust our strategy to communicate with them.

We should try to clarify our meaning and intentions by contrasting our statements. Using “I do not mean” to separate possible misinterpretations from your true message. Then, follow with “I do want” or “I do mean” to pinpoint which exact message you wish to send across.

This technique, and many more, are discussed in the book Crucial Conversations.

Using this way of thinking to interpret the moments that surround your life, and applying these communication techniques to your daily interactions, you can truly define your reality.

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If you have some ideas or methods that you use to make life easier, to define your reality in a positive way or other little habits that make you more effective, please share them in the comments section!